Open your eyes to the Dream

depressed

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 03:13:57 GMT

i am.... i really am... i feel withdrawn... like nothing means anything... i'm afraid to leave luna cause i'll loose my reason for living... i have to fight myself to not want to just run my car off the road and sit there and stare.... i just .... don't want to do anything. i feel like theres not much happiness in me. no smil eis a true one.... i took sunny and luna for walks to try and recreate my feeling inside... and i realxed but it didn't bring joy.... i don't know... I relaxed but nothing... felt numb. just smiled at luna being luna... i've felt this way before.... but.... this jus feels like i'm spirling downward.... i actually held a..... never mind. i just wonder what would releave this feeling in my chest....

song of the day:
"The Last Night"

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

[Chorus]

The last night away from me

[Bridge:]
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight,
Tonight.

[Chorus]

I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me

Update 07/02/08

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:10:54 GMT

So yeah my plans for today were completly fail thanks to my mom.....
Not too much to report
I've been working alot.
today my grand mom came up for the night so tommarow she can go to canada with my cousin.
I guess i feel kinda cheated at the moment. Kinda too complicated to explain at the moment.
On the upside I think i found a good pair of boots for my VK cosplay i'm working on for katsu... I'm gonna order them cause there on sale i thinks...
I kinda miss walking. I want to walk.... I really do.... right now... that and watch VK. Sorry my mind is kinda blah. I've just seen so much bull at work since last friday...
I mean... life can end so quickly, one minute fine 20 minutes later.... dead.... then i went to see wallee and that was great... but... just kinda been getting to see the bad effects of life at work lately and its been getting me down.... life just .... is so unfair... I mean after that dog... hearing about that poor kitty.... then poor grant today.... god.

song of the day:

Two Heartbeats and Red Sins
Vocals: ON/OFF
Lyrics: mavie
Composition: Kurosu Katsuhiko
Arrangement: h-wonder

Shaking in red, in red, in red
To the edge of the dream, of the dream
We can’t be separated

Already, every time when I’m stifled to death after I give up again and again
My emotions that have no place to go wake me up
Your flawless smile knows it’s an existence
So distant that it’s cruel

Even though the incurable wound only eats away at my heart
Even now I can’t completely hold back my thoughts (that dwell) (within) the darkness

Shaking in red, in red, in red
To the edge of the dream, of the dream
We met; destiny begins to turn
A secret that no one, no one knows about
I fall, I fall, I fall
I certainly can’t return anymore, even if I carve out my my sins

While I was walking in the abyss of loneliness, I was saved
By realistic eyes that never change
But a shadow born as the light is bright
Deeply and pronouncedly creeps up to me

The two heartbeats are exactly like mirrors facing each other
The (pains) are similar (but) different and continue infinitely

Burning in red, in red, in red
Erasing everything, everything
An unfulfilled illusion begins to move
Strongly, strongly
Overcoming, overcoming, overcoming the fleeting night
I certainly can’t escape, even if I drown in my sins

Futatsu no Kodou to Akai Tsumi
Vocals: ON/OFF

Akaku akaku akaku yurete
Yume no yume no hate e
Hanarerarenai

Mou nando mo akiramete wa oshikorosu tabi
Ikiba no nai kanjou ga me o samashiteku
Kegare no nai sono hohoemi zankoku na hodo
Tooi sonzai da to wakaru yo

Ienai kizu kokoro mushibamu dake na no ni
Yami no (naka ni) ima mo (yadoru) omoi o osaekirenai

Akaku akaku akaku yurete
Yume no yume no hate e
Deatte shimatta unmei ga mawaridasu
Dare mo dare mo shiranai himitsu
Ochite ochite ochite
Mou modorenai tsumi o kizande mo kitto

Kodoku no fuchi arukinagara sukuwarete ita
Donna toki mo kawaranai riaru na hitomi
Demo hikari ga mabushii hodo umareru kage wa
Fukaku irokoku shinobiyoru yo

Futatsu no kodou maru de awase kagami no you ni
Niteru (keredo) chigau (itami) mugen ni tsuzuite iku

Akaku akaku akaku moete
Subete subete keshite
Kanau koto no nai maboroshi ga ugokidasu
Tsuyoku tsuyoku hakanai yoru o
Koete koete koete
Nogarerarenai tsumi ni oborete mo kitto

Akaku akaku akaku yurete
Yume no yume no hate e
Deatte shimatta unmei ga mawaridasu
Dare mo dare mo shiranai himitsu
Ochite ochite ochite
Mou modorenai tsumi o kizande mo kitto

Update

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:31:53 GMT

So I guess a small update...
So yesterday I worked... came home and i was reading some of the origional open. and laughing some. I just put it down and close mye eyes and my phone went off... so i talked to kristina for a while.
Had a crazy dream... it was like I was one of these freedome fighters in an arabic country and this king was after me and he had this huge butt sword, and i had to keep running and going through these rooms and jumping to roofs and stuff. then I was finally safe and he found me and used a poisen type thing that was absorbed through the skin...a nd then i woke up?
Today... I woke up to my cell phone going crazy and it was joann wanting to know if i wanted to take a graze. (its what we call riding now cause they graze more with the fresh grass then they walk)
so we went for a small one, then i came home and watched vampire knight 12 and just realaxed and vegged for a while. then went to work.... where apprently i'm a ramen eating ninja? x.x who keeps leashes in their back pocket.... x.x
then went to target and got nuts and a new pair of sunglasses cause my old riding ones broke.
then picked up a harness for kristina (we have decided her dog needs one)
then talked to matt c for a while
then talked to kristina
now i'm here.... whee?

update plus kristina's birthday

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:09:46 GMT

So i guess my depression state has kept on for a while. I don't know some times I"m fine, other times i'm like I could just lay down here and die and it would all be over.... then luna comes and I realize i could never leave her alone. So yeah I'm not sure exactly what my problem is. Kinda a mixture of lots of things. Lots of crap has happend and theres just no one way to start. I guess I feel kinda out of the loop on lots of things, and I wonder how in the loop i am. I wonder if Its worth it.... I'm a very rational person as I've been told. My mind works pretty rationally, although i have my irational moments. I guess its just moments where I'm realizing everyone else is got a move on or a bit more and I don't. I don't know I worry I'm not attractive. I guess thats one thing I worry about. I don't want to find fake love again. I want something where someone likes me for me, not because they need something from me. I want someone who can be like a close friend and a love. But I don't think I'm attractive emotionally or physicaly. whatever i'm only 20 right? ... right? I feel useless, I try to help people but I don't think I'm that much of a help. I just wonder what purpose I have, If my friends really think so highly of me or if I... I... Just imagine it all in my head

Anyway Yesterday was Kristina's birthday so I went and hung out with her missa, matt and bass went to the mall and just bullshitted. and such so it was nice, then went back to her house and watched the end of the league of extradinary gentlemen. then talked for a while over all a good night *hugs* congrats kristina i'm so happy you made it to 18. To many many more birthday nights of hanging together, and we can look back and think lets drink to those days back then.

lyrics: Find Out Who Your Friends Are

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn't know
This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}
You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back
wants to shake your hand
when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up
and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high
When the weather's not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who's gonna be there?

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are
(yeah, yeah)
You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
(Well man, I've been there)
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
(Man, I've been there)

Man, I've been there
Oooh yeah.

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 03:41:17 GMT

Song of the moment: Your guardian angel

When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay woah, stay woah

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

x.x

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 15:42:44 GMT

So yesterday i was aggravated, i hate secrets, and not being clued in on whats going on when the plan is to tell me they were hanging. Instead i get the, well we'll let you know in a couple of hours whats up. So I think its better to just stay out of it. I'm the sinner, I agreed that her mom had a right to say stuff... i didn't agree that she had the right to cram it down their throats. But whatever.
So I was annoyed yesterday, I went to best buy to get dad's gifts. then went to target and got some cards and stuff then went home to take the dogs off and drop stuff off and then i had gotten a call from Alex inviting me to go out with them and since I was feeling like the old toy in the toy box said yes so I wouldn't be in the way of fun for my other friends. So steve, Alex, erin*sp (i'm not sure how she spells her name) and I went to pizza hut and ate and just talked about everything under the sun, then we went back to alex's and erin had to leave so steve alex and i talked for a while, then we saw the sky getting nasty looking so we went inside alex's house as apposed to standing on her front lawn. then steve and i left cause we saw the wind die down enough that we weren't afraid of the wicked witch of the east to desend upon us before a house fell on her so we left. then got home and gave dad his gifts only to find out he doesn't want them. I feel like I so failed. I went and got everthing for him to make his car stero HD sounding and he really doesn't want it x.x so much for all of that.
Today is my rents anniversery and I'm just depressed again. I just don't have the want to do anything. I feel like i'm not good enough to hang out with the them one day but the next day I am. so i just want to dissapear. I can just see how otakon is going to be. *shakes head.* maybe i'm just taking it the wrong way,. But i dont' think sy likes me. kinda got that impression. 3's a company 4's a crowd i guess. sy's got more incommon witht hem anyway then i'll ever have.

blah

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:06:31 GMT

So I didn't feel like getting up this morning, I felt depressed, though i wasn't sure why. Last night was awsome, I'm so glad kristina graduated and things really seemed good. Except I'm pretty sure kristina doesn't tell me everything. kinda weird from going from someones most trusted to like not trusted much. But anyway I'm kinda numb. I kinda wish i could dissapear. I don't know, maybe its just knowing that this week is gonna be bad no matter what. luna's sick today too. so yeah chances of actually making it to swimming are slim to none. Maybe i didn't really want to go anyway. Maybe I just don't want the dead truth infront of me that nothing i say or think really matters. That I"m watching a replay of what happend and kristina doesn't care. As long as she's happy I guess. I don't know, its like I have nothing to talk to them about, their all into jrock i'm not. THey might as well be speaking greek. pluss as far as the whole trip to the guardens they're all going in jrock cosplay... which leaves me out. I just don't feel like i fit anywhere anymore. Its like I'm great when I'm needed but when I'm not sure tag along. *shrugs* I feel bad, i want to be there for lauren but I just.... I have other things to do. life goes on i guess. I can survive a week. ... I think. I havent been spending enough time with luna anyway. I Just.... wish there was away for things to all work out and be simplier, but thats a no. I"m always gonna be the friend that tags along... some times i think i was born in the wrong time... like i belong back in a simplier time when cars didn't exist, and there wasn't all this drama.

Rant, turn back now

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 01:24:37 GMT

Yeah rant turn back now, most likely what i'm saying here i'm not really meaning, i'm just pissed. so you've all been officially warned.

Yes question my sanity

So last night i came home after spending a realitively enjoyable night after work with kristina and lauren. I got home and find out that basically i don't know if we are going to the beach this summer because mom talked to michele and she was like we can't go down with out my mom being there the 2nd week in july. And we really wouldn't be able to go down till august. But august is otakon so that doesn't work either, maybe the last week of july. *slams fist against the wall* And kristina doesn't want my mom to go down withus cause i brought up the idea that unless my cousin was going down we couldn't go down that week cause my aunt is now going to be away unless my mom comes and she didn't seem too t hrilled. So I'm giving up on the idea for now. I just kept thinking last night if it weren't for sylus there wouldn't have been that big of a problem for going down. I mean I really really am holding a grudge and its not like me to hold grudges for no reason. Its not really sylus' fault. I just.... OMG i'm so pissed at her, she's so much more vital to kristina right now. I kinda think thats why kristina hasn't been calling me when she and lar get together cause she figures lar understands better then I do. Also knows lar is a friend of sylus and holds nothing against her like i do. I don't think lar is against the relationship either. I am against it because of certain circomstances. Not that i don't want her to be happy but jesus its just too soon, its just someone who has as many problems and if sylus is having a bad day thats gonna equeal kristina having a bad day and I don't want to see kristina put through that. But i'm a bad friend because of hat one i guess!
Then today i was so pissed, but i took a shower and relaxed a bit then went into work and found out that one of the girls bad mouthed my work last night because i couldn't do the runs because of the fucking lightening storm. I'm like wtf? I've worked there 5 years i've never had a complaint logged against me. I figured she could b ehaving a bad day, so i went and causually explained what happend and amy didn't say anything to me that even hinted that she was upset at me. so i was like what ever she understands. Well i go up half way through work and find out that she is having one of her friends the receptionist bryn check up on my work. I wanted to flipped, so i went back and finished everything, didn't even take my dinner break till i was done everything else and then i go up to eat and find out someone took a big portion of my fucking dinner, and no one would own up to it. I'm pissed, if i hear aobut this tomamrow, i'mgoing to alisson and debbie and telling them that this is bull shit. I'm sorry but no one, no one has the right to check up on me but allison in the back kennel, I've been there 5 years if this shit is going to happen i'll fucking leave.

song of the day:
No one is alone

Cinderella:
Mother cannot guide you.
Now you're on your own.
Only me beside you.
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone. Truly.
No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you.
Halfway through the wood.
Others may decieve you.
You decide whats good.
You decide alone.
But no one is alone.
LRRH:
I wish..
Cinderella:
I know.
Mother isn't here now
Baker:
Wrong things, right things
Cinderella:
Who knows what she'd say?
Baker:
Who can say what's true?
Cinderella:
Nothings quite so clear now.
Baker:
Do things, fight things,
Cinderella:
Feel you've lost your way?
Baker:
You decide, but
Both:
You are not alone
Cinderella:
Believe me,
No one is alone
Baker:
No one is alone.
Believe me.
Cinderella:
Truly
Both:
You move just a finger,
Say the slightest word,
Somethings bound to linger
Be heard
Baker:
No acts alone.
Careful.
No one is alone.
Both:
People make mistakes.
Baker:
Fathers,
Cinderella:
Mothers,
Both:
People make mistakes,
Holding to their own,
Thinking their alone.
Cinderella:
Honor their mistakes

Cinderella:
Everybody makes

Baker:
Fight for their mistakes

Both:
One another's terrible mistakes.
Witches can be right, Giants can be good.
You decide what's right you decide what's good
Cinderella:
Just remember:
Baker:
[Echo] Just remember:
Both:
Someone is on your side
Jack, LRRH:
OUR side
Baker, Cinderella:
Our side--
Someone else is not
While we're seeing our side
Jack, LRRH:
Our side..
Baker, Cinderella:
Our side--
All:
Maybe we forgot: they are not alone.
No one is alone.
Cinderella:
Hard to see the light now.
Baker:
Just don't let it go
Both:
Things will come out right now.
We can make it so.
Someone is on your side-- [interrupted]

And she now owns 3/4 of my soul

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:35:36 GMT

So yeah, after the disaster sunday.
I got a call on monday from my lovely sister who had day dreamed and missed her bus so i went and picked her up and then we went to her house and watched tv and ate some fruit, then we went and she introduced me to vampire knight, so now she owns more of my soul. All her fault. Its just spiffy, i love zero and yuki. I like Kaname but i don't love him like the other two, who knows its only 9 episodes that could change, you don't see as much of him as you do the other two. So yeah anyway we watched 1 -3, then ate dinner and went in search of her dress for graduation under her cap and gownsp? how do you spell it? apprently i found the dress a minute after we walked in the door apprently i'm no fun to go shopping with x.x. Then we went to michals, and kristina drove. We went to get yarn for a cosplay she's doing and suddenly she was like they don't have it muu so i looked arounda nd found another isle with yarn and picked up a roll... apprently the right roll once again i'm no fun to go shopping with. then we went back to her house and she actually posted and we watched episode 4 of vampire knight then i had to leave cause she had school the next day.
yesterday I had work, so i didn't get to do much before then. twas dull at work, like it will be today. then i went to walmart and then talked to kristina
today i watched the rest of vampire knight and I'm getting ready for work once again.

Song of the day:

Two Heartbeats and Red Sins
Vocals: ON/OFF
Lyrics: mavie
Composition: Kurosu Katsuhiko
Arrangement: h-wonder

Shaking in red, in red, in red
To the edge of the dream, of the dream
We can’t be separated

Already, every time when I’m stifled to death after I give up again and again
My emotions that have no place to go wake me up
Your unblemished smile knows it’s an existence
So distant that it’s cruel

Even though the incurable wound only eats away at my heart
Even now I can’t completely hold back my thoughts (that dwell) (within) the darkness

While I was walking in the abyss of loneliness, I was saved
By realistic eyes that never change
But a shadow born as the light is bright
Deeply and pronouncedly creeps up to me

The two heartbeats are exactly like mirrors facing each other
The (pains) are similar (but) different and continue infinitely

pokes

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 23:35:46 GMT

So today I went to work, worked till 2, met the new girl and just worked. Then came home and after playing ring around the cell phone figured out that the mall closed in an hour and kristina was not allowed out of the house. So I got intouch with lar and we went for a walk with sunny and luna, cause it was too nice a day to spend inside. Then on the way back i picked up my brother so he could come get his car. Now i'm home and thinking about stuff. For one if I really think going to otakon is worth it. I mean I've always known i was a thrid wheel there and been fine with it but now... Well, people finding out how i felt didn't do me any good. And, I just wonder if I should go, or am I gonna be left out of the group for the most part. I'm a thrid wheel no matter who I hang out with... So... Its like should I go? I'm just going to be in the way. Maybe then sylus can stay with kristina and she can be happy. Lar says thats all she wants right now is for them to stay in the same room. Open up the spot for someone that won't be a thrid wheel. I love everyone who's going, and I don't want to be the person who just tags along. I'd have a blast either way, but Just got me thinking the other night. Is it really worth it, the money, the knowing that i'm just tagging along no matter who i'm with. if i'm hanging around with kristina sy will be there and I'll be interupting them. I don't want to have anyone feel obligated to have me tag along with them. And its not like katsu where everything is in one hotel and I can just wonder by myself, this is otakon where i have to walk on the streets. If i'd known all this was gonna happen i probably would have roomed with matt. Oh well, nothing to be done about it now. Just something to think on.

Holy Octopus Batman!

Fri, 30 May 2008 03:34:21 GMT

So yeah...
Yesterday Luna, me, sam, joann, et, and rudy took a 3 hour ride. Kinda humerous because when we got to the crick there were these two teenagers playing around in the crick, and the guy kept saying to the girl i'm gonna through you in! and she would screech no, and luna would run over and splash him, then run back to us looking so prowd of herself. Then came home and kinda bummed around, made dinner and watched ghost busters with mom.
Today, went riding again, was nice and relaxing. Saw a dog that was a wimeraner dobe mix... kinda interesting. then came home and went out with lar and kristina after getting mom's ring tone set. I would love to get holy octopus batman or something of that nature for a textmessage marker. I'm gonna work on that maybe tommarow between dentsist and work. yeah 8 am dentist appt. great way to start off the day. but anyway. we went to the mall and got ritas, i got two shirts, one indiana jones shirt for me and one for my brother of thunder cats, because i needed something to cheer me up the last few days and i have been wanting to get an indiana jones shirt, and my brothers birthday is coming up so i kill two birds with one stone and things are all good. pluss i get my pay check tommarow, so hopefully its a decent one. then we went back to kristinas and watched into the woods and ate pizza and drank coke, and now i'm hope relaxing and just posting an update.
to kristina: yes the prince is a cheeting play boy, *hugs* night night sano!
to lar: everything will be ok, just give her a chance to iron out her rents and things will be jake again you'll see. *hugs*

i don't know

Tue, 27 May 2008 20:35:45 GMT

So yesterday I went to work, and felt completly sick while i was there. I think its been comming on for a few days. So we get everything done we can until 5 which left us with like two hours to kill so amy and i went up front to chill and while we're up there we hear these strange noises. it sounded... i don't know like a rolling chair wheel clacking sorta? or like if a rolling chair is turned on its side and the wheel turns and clacks... its kinda hard to discribe. So we got up and tried to find the source of the noise. mind you i've sat up there before by myself and never heard anything like it. we couldn't so we sat back down and heard it again, this time it moved from one place to another. so we both get up and walk around again. well we checked everywhere and everythign and couldn't find anything. so amy went to move her car around back so no one would think we were open and i went up front. well i heard the noise again and it had yet agian moved. so i walked to where i heard the noise and it moved again. I started getting a little freaked out because i didn't hear any foot steps and it was really quiet up front like there was no reason i wouldn't have heard someone. so i went outside to wait for amy then we went up front again. once again we heard the noise and we got up and checked. so this kept going on and finally we got up and went back to work and got everything done we needed to. then we went back upfront and it didn't happen again. so we left. mind you i felt really really sick last night. I haven't had that bad sinus pain in 3 years, and i felt sick to my stomach. I guess i deserved it after my little freak out over the beach but i just had had it with a bunch of things. oh well, so i came home and took a shower to try and steam away my headache or atleast get some releif. ... didn't help much, so i went to bed and turned on the tv just to listen to something and ended up falling asleep for a while, i woke up and turned everythign off in the middle of the night and slept through till today.... but i swear the ghosts were the ones making the noises at work.
So today i'm feeling a bit better, still a little crummy but its manageable. Then my one place i thougth i could post stuff on xanga came down to bite me in the ass, cause i got a call from kristina because of said post. *sighs* I... I don't want to be like my mom and scream my head off at the ones i care for... over every little thing. I take the more back road methond and try not to get mad. but i did after everything pilled on with the beach. I felt like i was being lied to, i felt like maybe kristina didn't want to hang out with me as much because she didn't want me to suspect about sylus. Too bad i'd already suspected. I didn't know sy was going down the beach, or that sy was coming, and my insecurities just grew and i found out that info was being hidden from me because she was afraid of my getting angry. I guess it hurts more when you think someone trusts you and you find out they don't. I don't know what I have ever done to warrent... that i'd freak out if she told me stuff, but somehow she's drawn that conclusion. Anyway, i don't know if we're going to the beach or not. she sounds like she'd rather not because i voiced about being a 3rd wheel at the beach or 5th wheel at otakon pluss the money. I don't know, i guess it doesn't matter at this point what happens. If we go fine, if not i guess thats fine too. I started doing all this cause she wanted to go down for senior week and i got excited about the idea of actually going down the beach with my friends. I've... never really gotten that. When i have gone away i've always been the extra. I've never gotten to go away with my best friends. so it was exciting. then i started to find out what it was and i was like, ok this is still cool we'll still have fun... But i just snapped after everything, and I'm sorry i am human i snap once in a while. I can only take so many whip lashes before i complain. I'm sorry... I should tell my friends how i feel... but i didn't figure it mattered much because they were already hiding things from me, like i shouldn't know so I figured my opinion didn't matter... I know now i was wrong. but... I'm afraid of loosing my best friend, my sister. It was a strong scare the last time when reality set in and I can't help but worry. Its just... I want to go to the beach, I want to have fun, I'm ok with knowing that i'm not the prime person in the picture, I've delt with it. Just doesn't mean I want to feel that. If i didn't want to feel it I wouldn't participate in a lot of things. I mean... what am I supposed to do cancel otakon? cancel the beach? because i don't want to feel that way... life doesn't work that way. We all have to feel that way once in a while. like i said I don't know how you don't feel that way. Lar can't come so I've accepted that fact thats how i'm gonna feel. I just... i shouldn't have ranted. Now i feel like i'm gonna have this held over my head. guess no where is really safe to vent too... it always gets back to the source.

update?

Sun, 25 May 2008 17:02:51 GMT

So yeah board at work><
I worked friday, then went to kristinas post prom, met up with lar, then went to see indianna jones with lar! It was awsome. Harrison Ford still has it!
Saturday, i worked again, then kristina came over and we went to matt's for a BBQ. All the food was great, and we sat around and talked and all sorts of fun stuff, then went back to my house, and she saw her grad gift, then her dad came and got her cause it was 10.
now i'm at work again..... gah and board
i work again tommarow
and all of those going to the beach with us check your myspace for a note from me concerning gas money. thats about it ttfn! janna!

The dream~Prologue new story idea

Wed, 21 May 2008 00:32:00 GMT

The dream was a good one. One where my family and I no longer had to hide, and things had been set right again. However all good dreams must come to an end and we then wake into the pain that is reality. My eyes open to look at the old stone above my sleeping bag. It was still dark, the sun hadn’t risen yet. I don’t have to wonder long what has woken me. My younger sister across the room from me is whimpering in her sleep. I know she’s hungry; it pains me to see her that way. But there is nothing I can do, my family must hide. We are wanted as are many of the heads of state of the old times. All of us who have a soul animal must hide. I can barley remember not having to live in fear and hunger.

I climb out of my sleeping bag and crawl on the cold stone to my younger sister and cradle her in my arms and stroke her hair until she slowly stirs. Her white eyelashes fluttering lightly, her chocolate colored eyes looking empty and tired and her thin face reminds me just how hungry she is.

“I’ll be back soon with food Sun.” I murmur to her and squeeze her tightly. She’s almost too weak to hug me back.

“But… Father and grandfather…” Her voice is so weak and frail sounding it is almost too soft to hear.

“They don’t need to know till I return.” I kiss her forehead to soothe away her fears. “They won’t be too mad when I return with food for all of us; to settle the growl in all of our stomachs… It has to be done.” I stroke her cream hair and slowly pull away.

“Be Careful Kat.” She murmurs her eyes are worried.

I give her a wide smile before I open the window and the cold breeze plays against my clothing. This isn’t the first time I’ve left this way. Through the window of our room, our home is built into the side of a mountain. If I walking along the roof outside our window there is a convenient rock wall that lets me climb down to the ground, it’s a long way down so I don’t have room for mistakes. My room is one of the highest in our home, father wants us protected incase anyone ever finds us. The dark sky of night is starting to pale to tell me that the sun will soon be rising. I have to hurry or grandfather will be awake and I won’t get away.

I love my father and grandfather, but they are too cautious at times. Make that my father, he’s too afraid of loosing us like he did my mother. I don’t remember much of her. Only that she wasn’t a wolf spirit like the rest of my family. She was an elegant panther. I guess that explains why my animal spirit is a little odd looking. It is longer in the back and built more like a panther, but the head of it is wolf. The body is a chocolate brown, the same color as my hair. It is this form I take now as I reach the ground and need to move quickly. I need to get to town and take my human form again before anyone sees me. I need to steal food and get back to my family, my dear little sister who’s only 5, my grand father and my father. I suppose for my father’s new mate as well. My little sister’s mother, the dog. I love my little sister, but my dislike for her mother is a thickness in my head I can not get past.

I run quickly through the woods at the bottom, trying to concentrate on my mission at hand. I am not that old, 10 times our earth has cycled since I was born. Why should I be the one hunting for food? Because Sun is hungry and I can not wait much longer. We do not have much money. We lost a lot when the raid happened and we were forced into hiding.

I know the forest well in these parts; I know where every stick is under my paws, every leaf, and every tree. It is a 10 hour run to the nearest town. A 20 hour one to the one I am heading for. I can not steal too close to home. I don’t want to give them any clue as to where we live. My family’s lives are at stake.

I stop at the nearest town however to feed myself with a bit of coin I found in the wood. Some hunter must have lost it. I change back into my human form and brush off any dirt that may give me away as someone in hiding. Just something quick from the tavern and I will be on my way again. The bit of coin I found is only enough for a cup of stew, but it tastes good in my empty stomach and it will give me the energy I need to move through to tomorrow, to find food for the rest of my family. The man behind the counter gives me a strange look for such a young person to be so hungry. But we are all poor under the rule of the humans so he doesn’t wonder about me for too long. Not long after I am on my way again, running fluidly without stop. I am used to running, I am used to hiding, and it has been my reality for a long time. Almost as far back as I can remember this has been my reality. Run and live to the next dawn that is all any of us can hope for. All any of us who are in tune with our animal spirit can expect in this day and age.

As the sky begins to gray with the warning of dawn, it becomes very real how far away I am from home. It has been a full day since I bid my younger sister goodbye and left for food, and I have found food. Plenty in a house of the rich, however I can not steal too much. Bread will keep for the day and still be soft; it will be gentle on her frail stomach too. I probably can’t carry much more then just bread in my pack anyway and it won’t be missed. At least I hope not. I pick up a rock that is as large as my two hands together and break the latch on the window from the outside; the window pane cracks and I put my hand through the now empty pane and open the lock on the window so it easily lifts. My arms stretch to find the inside of the window and pull my self inside. I can’t call on the animal side of me now. If I were seen as an animal in this town I would not be around for long. In this town they wear the animal’s spirits pelts that get too close. As I lift the first loaf of bread I see the light of the candle and I freeze and start to retreat to my open window, only to hear the scream of the lady of the house. I should have waited till the next night when they were all asleep. I know my mistake now, I take my loaf of bread and start to sprint towards the window but I am too late one of the servants is there with a large knife, I turn to move in the other direction and feel a sharp pain go down my head and then numbness, the clunk, the darkness swimming around me and the silver candle stick lands beside me.

and when you think days are looking brighter they get grayer

Tue, 20 May 2008 23:00:36 GMT

So yeah I went to widner today to register for my classes. In the pouring rain got there and found the office sat down and talked with the guy for a while. Then had to walk three blocks in the rain. (they say to me oh yeah its right over there with the fountain) mind you they all had fountins. i figured it was just in accross the street. so find the place register and then go back to my car and drive back home. got home and mom asks me to go to the neighbors and get something so i go over i knock on the door. the door opens their younger dog comes out. i put my hands down so the dog won't jump all over me and their older dog jumps the younger one and grabs a hold of my jeans and rips them down the whole way. I'm lucky i'm getting away with out a bite wound but my leg is already bruised. so there goes my semi bright day. it kinda stings and its black and bluing more and more. I've never hurt that dog it just has something against me. I never thought it would actually bite me. bark at me and act stupid yes, not try to take my leg off. so yeah hope my mom's sandwhich is worth it.

Fun and Money woes

Mon, 19 May 2008 14:45:30 GMT

So i worked friday, and I got a compliment kinda. Like sharon goes i'd rather work with you then the new girl they hired. you know when to stop playing around and get the work done so we get out of here ontime. so that was kinda nice to know i'm not screwing up so bad working reception

Saturday.
My dad left before me to go get cousin mary and then we're getting ready to leave and my mom decides she's not going to this baptism. I wanted to be like then why do i have to go? their your cousins gradnkids we're going to see but alas i took my grandmom to the church, then we walked the block up to the hall where the after food was. they didn't question me about my age so i got a glass of whine. I didn't drink it all though. I got my monthly and my tummy was doing weird twists and turns so i went and got a rootbeer too so i was drinking from both periodicaly. I also think i was starving from not eating much for breakfast becasue i was assured there was gonna be a big food thing after. it took them 2and a half hours to get the food out. dad and i nearly left and got food and came back just because we were both starving by 230. but after all of this and talk and such we go to leave. my dad is up the block by the reception and i was walking my grandmom back to my car and my aunt 2dogs and john had a flat so i called my dad on the cell and he came down and we put fix a flat in it and got them set to make it back to their house then we went home. I cooked the dogs food for the next week then went over to kristinas and we went to the farmers market and bouth some chocolate. kristina bought a bday gift for sylus. Then we went and got ritas and then went back to her house and watched alvin and the chipmonks and kristina and i had gone in to get the tea that was whistleing at us cause it was boiling and she was like lar wants to tell mia tonight. so we went about playing supporting and trying to get lar to get the courage to tell her. mind you i kinda had the feeling mia liked lar but i wasn't gonna say anything. now somehow.... mia got ahold of a peice of paper written in my hand writing. oh and the antics of how that little peice of paper got passed around and ripped. and i ended up hiding cause i thought lar was gonna go like biznatch on me because of it. mind you i never had any intention of giving it to mia.... i just kinda wanted to get a laugh out of kristina well mia has a strong grip and after my wrist like went owieeeeeee i let go and she had the peice of paper. so my nuckeled and my wrist were like owie. so apprently it all worked out ok. but anyway after all that i was like thinking i should leave cause kristina was on the phone with sy and lar was all cuddled up with mia. but i ended up leaving somewhere between 1-2 and came home. kinda got some insecurities though about the whole beach trip we're planning. I mean i'm gonna have to drive down cause its 15 minutes from the beach so we have a car. so they can all go in the limo if they want. that way we can drive to wild wood or cape may or we can do one day at each or what ever we want. but its just that i wasn't aware of sylus coming when we made the plans. and i have nothing against sylus i think she's cool and all but its about something else that kristina promised me about. that she wouldn't get into a relationship till otakon. I mean she took the last one so hard and it all turned so bad and I don't want her to... break again. I'm glad she's doing better i'm glad she's happy. I just... I get worried. maybe i'm worring over nothing but sy has her own list of problems too and i just don't know if they can.... help each other the way they need in a relationship. Maybe i'm just overreacting i hope i am. I guess if i had someone i was into i wouldn't worry so much. but for me... eh i can't just hook up with anyone. guess its just my personality. I had one way too bad experience to just trust someone so easily with my heart. not that i haven't found one or two that i wouldn't mind trying to date, but i'm old fashoned no i'm not having sex before marriage or atleast its been a hell long time and its a committed all the way meaningful relationshp not someone who just wants a fling few month thing. and yeah in this day and age... its hard to find someone who ... wants that same intimacy i guess. I guess being the only strait one of my close friends is kinda a equation too. I wouldn't trade them for anything don't get me wrong. its just that i screw up with a one night stand i get pregnent and i don't beleive in abortion. so yeah not that theirs are any less important just its one more thing for me to think about. but yeah this is too complicated to get into.

so sunday i went riding and got totally cought in the rain so we were kinda sneaking up the trail and hiding under the trees. Luna loved it. I was soaked completly through so we finally get back and done and my rents and my grandmom went to aunt2dogs and john to watch the game and I took a shower and was gonna go hang with kristina till my daddy called me and told me to meet him at mr. conti's during the intermission to drop my car off so it could be inspected so i did and he took me back to where they were so i was stuck. so we came home later stopped by arties and picked up kristina's grad gift though i'm not 100% sure its gonna fit so i might give it to her early and if it doesn't fit see if he can exchange it for the next size up. cause you know how people love to cut girl's sizes smaller then they really are. then we got ritas and came home

now today i'm kinda in a blah mood cause my car is gonna cost 450 to pass inspection. i was like jesus thats how much my radiator is gonna cost and thats like everything i got so kinda blah. so i'm a no go for anything that costs money.

today?

Sat, 17 May 2008 02:18:48 GMT

So Yesterday I was kinda in a bad mood cause mom forced me to go with her to get my grandmom and my aunt. So we brought them home then mom treated me like dirt all day. basically my comfort was completly out of her mind. she would make me get up, she would make sure i was pissed.
today I woke up, went to get breakfast for said bitch of a mother, stopped in pet kraze and got sam a new halter and luna a new toy after i saw how much fun she had with that guy and his dog and that toy. of course she wanted to steal another toy but i just kept taking it away from her. then came home, then went to work and now i'm home wishing i was out doing something fun with my friends. I feel deprived of my friends. kinda unneeded right now. well except where luna is concerned. she's the only one not trying to piss me off at the moment. I want to hang with my friends but i think they have better things to do right now. Sometimes i regreat working friday nights cause they all do something that sounds so much fun on days i work. but i guess that can't be helped.

Le Miz!

Thu, 15 May 2008 13:50:23 GMT

So last night I drove my dad's car with me my mom and our neighbor into town to the Walnut street theatre and we met my mom's best friend(aka my aunt through friendship) and her family and saw Le Miz! OMG it was so well done. They didn't have a very big space to do it in either but they so did an awsome job. Even my mom got into it and she said she didn't like it cause it was all sad. But it was great! The guy who played marious was cute no wonder both girls were after him in the play. They get a big clap. I bought a t-shirt and thet vocal sheets. I wish they'd had different t-shirts but they only had one design which was kinda a bummer. but oh well it was still awsome. Had some very weird dreams last night afterwards but oh well!

Lyrics of the day: Le Miz ending

VALJEAN
God on high hear my prayer
Take me now to thy care
Where You are, let me be

Take me now, take me there

(Fantine's spirit appears to Valjean)

FANTINE
M'sieur, I bless your name

VALJEAN

I am ready, Fantine

FANTINE

M'sieur, lay down your burden

VALJEAN

At the end of my days

FANTINE

You raised my child in love

VALJEAN

She's the best of my life.

FANTINE

And you will be with God.

COSETTE
Papa, Papa, I do not understand!
Are you alright? They said you'd gone away.

VALJEAN
Cosette, my child, am I forgiven now?
Thank God, thank God, I've lived to see this day.

MARIUS
It's you who must forgive a thoughtless fool
It's you who must forgive a thankless man
It's thanks to you that I am living
And again I lay down my life at your feet.

Cosette, your father is a saint.
When they wounded me
He took me from the barricade
Carried like a babe
And brought me home to you!

VALJEAN(to Cosette)
Now you are here
Again beside me
Now I can die in peace
For now my life is blessed...

COSETTE
You will live, Papa, you're going to live
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye!

VALJEAN
Yes, Cosette, forbid me now to die
I'll obey,
I will try.
On this page
I write my last confession.
Read it well when I at last am sleeping.
It's the story of those who always loved you.
Your mother gave her life for you
Then gave you to my keeping.

(The other spirits, including Eponine appear)

FANTINE
Come with me
Where chains will never bind you
All your grief
At last, at last behind you.
Lord in Heaven,
Look down on him in mercy.

VALJEAN
Forgive me all my trespasses
And take me to your glory.

FANTINE & EPONINE
Take my hand
And lead me to salvation.
Take my love,
For love is everlasting.

VALJEAN, FANTINE & EPONINE
And remember the truth that once was spoken
To love another person is to see the face of God!

CHORUS
Do you hear the people sing
Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.

They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord.
They will walk behind the plough-share,
They will put away the sword.
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward.

CHORUS, PRINCIPLES
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?

Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!

Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing?
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes...
Tomorrow comes!

update

Wed, 14 May 2008 14:08:56 GMT

So yeah. Saturday I went to see jackie chan in forbidden kingdom and I loved it. ^^. I needed a good movie to get me laughing. Things have been not nesecarily serious but bland since i got out of school. I admit I'm board. And people are always out when i call them so i'm like all whoops i don't want to bother you. So anyway it was awsome. then we all went out insearch of gum with matt and got icecream and just goofed off. Its nice to have a kid night. I mean where you can just relax and act goofy and stay out and not have to worry about things at home.
Sunday i worked then we went to my granmoms and my aunt kathy was there and my uncle larry and his family and my uncle bill and his family so it was great to see them all. except i was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch during the flyers game but oh well.
Monday was a rainly blah day which consisted of watching the first two indiana jones films with abreak inbetween which i went and fed buddy.
Yesterdayd I went riding and then went and got my hair cut with a horrible long ride home. we got stuck there must have been some accident.
Today I get to go see Les meserables! and dispite the two lumps on the right side of my sckull that hurt I can't wait! yeah i don't know what they are i'm probably gonna have to go to the doctors next week and get them checked out. I think their just swollen glands but two at the same time an inch apart from each other? and there both sore... though they aren't red accordign to my mom so i don't know. Lunar is sleeping on my foot. I think she's still tired from her run yesterday. See half way through the run we met up with this guy and this 9 month old lab and she played really hard with him for like 20 minutes it was amuzing to see her get to rough house with someone her size and energy level. she doesnt' get to do that alot. most are either too old or too small. so that was nice for her.

update

Sat, 10 May 2008 01:31:10 GMT

So yeah, I finished school on tuesday. 4 finals in one day i wanted to shoot myself.
wendsday I went and hung out with kristina jason and missa. we cut down banboo and went to good will and and ate dinner and watched another episode of hana kimi.
sat around yesterday found out its a goo for the beach plans
today i went to feed ben's cat, then the horse dentist came and i now have another of sam's teeth. not quite a matched pair. then i went to work and we didn't get out of there till 9. now i'm home. feeling a little down i guess. its just the summer blues i guess. Maybe something more but nothing i feel comfortable posting on here.

Weekend

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 04:12:55 GMT

So friday I worked, after work was pretty much fail except for i bought Lar's birthday present on the way home.
Saturday I worked again, then stopped at the grand opening of acme and got lost in the store. Then went home and wrapped gifts and got hana kimi'd up and went and got kristina then went to lar's for her birthday. We took some pics, then opened some gifts, then mia came and then we ate pizza then fuz, mia, maria, kristina and i piled into the car and went to GR. We hung out there for a while, then went back to fuzzes and had cake and played ping pong, then while they played guitar hero kristina and I sang musicals and played ping pong because it just seemed to work better that way. (everytime the ball went to maria we would start singing how do you solve a problem like maria, or maria, i just met a girl named maria) then we all said our good buys and left.
Today went to the zoo! It was just smexy awsome and I'm just too tired to get into details at the moment. but we went to the zoo for missa's birthday. Some highlights.... the wiggling of the hippos ears, seeing the twin tigers play with an oversized frisbees, being so close to a lion, being withing a foot of a peacock with out anything between us. seeing the jiant otter play with a little boy. the snapping turtle who posed for pictures, the orangatang*sp that swung into the cardboard box. checking mood necklaces allday, jason falling when we finally went back to feed the horses when he was trying to out manover luna. then jason trying to get into his house and pulling the screen off and then diving in. then coming out and hiding the screen off the window.
over all an awsome weekend.

Luna's home

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 23:07:47 GMT

So today when i was in the middle of my last class the vet called and I went outside and they said to please come get my dog cause she was driving them all to their last brink of sanity. Not so much but she was well enough to come home. So we still don't know what it was, prob never will but I went and picked her up after school and brought her home. She was so happy to see me. She knew which car was mine which was funny, normally she jumps into any car you open the door. So we came home, grabbed sunny and fed the horses and now she's taking a nap with her head on my foot. ^^. Things are ok, I can relax and see possitive again.

I don't know what I would do without my sister

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 02:40:01 GMT

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening.

1) Kryptonite 3 doors down
2) The reason
3) Citizen Solider 3 doors down
4) One more day
5) Ikenai Taiyou Orange range
6) Life is a road
7) If tomarrow never comes ~ Garth brooks

So I was just thinking kristina forgot to call me back when someone was at the door. She came over and surprised me after i started crying over the phone. I was just so out of it. And true to as it always does I just was able to pull myself together and smile with her around. I still was upset about luna but i was able to do my homework. I'd been trying to do it all day and I just stared at it and would start crying over my book. I wouldn't have had any insperiation to do it. We just sat and hung out and Its what i really needed i guess. Someone to sit there and care. Someone who wasn't trying to make me make decisions and someone who just wanted to be there for me. It was nice and it meant more to me then she'll ever know. I felt so horrible telling her what had happend when she called cause I know she's been going through a hard time. But i found myself just pouring out to her on the phone. After wards i was cursing myself for doing it, but I felt so much better after she was here. she brought me my cereal a card and a cini bun and those little things god they mean so much. I still almost started crying but i was able to get my head on straight and keep myself functional instead of just sitting in the chair and crying on and off. It was just nice to have someone go out of there way for me, it means a lot being able to be there fore each other. we all have our ups and downs, and its important we all stick together. I"m still upset and worried as hell and I know I won't get any sleep but atleast I had someone who didn't look at me like i was off my rocker for careing so much about my baby. god I think i'm gonna start crying again. But I just wanted to give a big thankyou to my sister kristina. A hug back to Lar for noticing and caring. I am so thankful I have people who are there for me when I can't hold my head up. someone to be my someone to lean on, some one to raise me up during the storm. I don't know how tommarow will be. I'm really worried about her. I want her home. I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her and stroke her belly like I do every evening. I want to play squeaky ball and inthe morning have someone under the covers. I miss not having her here, even if I do shake my head at how much she's in my way. I want my baby in my arms but its impossible.

Miserable

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:38:29 GMT

Yeah that one word sums up my entire day. *points* I've been this way since i woke up. I just don't know what to do with out luna. I don't know how to function. Its like that movie the awakenings when you need to barrow the will of someone else to truely exist. I just don't feel like a person. I try to smile i laugh but theres no joy behind it. I feel miserable. I don't want to do anything, don't want to move, don't want to exist. It feels like my heart was tore out of my chest. Not even my joy i got out of the twilight vids are making me happy. Nothing can. When i lost all the other animals i felt horrible and I just sort of hid my heart. I still love the ones i do have but then i got luna and i pored all I could into her. She's my dog. I found the add, i picked her out, i held her on the way home I trained her I've done everything. The longest I've left her for was otakon and katsu and those days away were bad for both of us. And even then I knew that mom and dad would call me if anything went wrong. But now... I don't know, no one knows. I can't be by her side when she's hurting and it sucks. she's my baby. They don't know whats making her sick and she's just getting worse. I was so happy last night when the flyers one. I had no idea that when I woke up this morning I'd be rushing luna to the vets as soon as they opened no idea that i would have to leave her there so sick, no idea that i would be so miserable all day with no will nor want to move or function. I only ate cause mom shoved food at me. I watched a movie and laughed but it wasn't in joy it was just because it was the right thing to do. who doesn't laugh when they say no name city population drunk? I don't know. those were about the only things i had to smile about today. I'm so sick with mersery I wouldn't call myself a person. I know i have to do homework to pass a class but i just don't care. I even turned down riding which is what i always do when i'm having a bad day. I just have no will to want to do anything. Everywhere I turn theres a reminder of her or I'm already thinking of her. I wouldn't says I'm lost cause I know what i want but I'm stuck unable to move forward. I don't think I'd make it through loosing her. I wouldn't. there wouldn't be a me to call a person. I'd be an empty shell not worth while talking too.

Lyrics of the day:
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the stars roar the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The world revives, colors renew,
but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.
Without you.
Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I’m gone
Cause I die without you

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Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:48:08 GMT

So i'm finally home and somewhat rested.
So saturday my brother his girlfriend, my grandmom and i piled into my brothers chevey malibou*sp and committed a 4 hour drive to Albany. blah. Before that we were supposed to write letters for my little cousin making his communion(not sure why) so i had wrote mine and put it on pretty photopaper and dressed it up. My brother hadn't even written his so he was on the computer writing it and Alicia and I were heckling him as he put it and he typed alicia and katie are biznatches. which gave us all a laugh before the drive. we made it with only two slight mess ups but neither turned fatal so that was good. I didn't really fall asleep. so we were all tired when we got to the hotel we unloaded and checked in then went to my cousins to see them for a bit, then we went back tot he hotel late and slept till the next morning. I didin't get anysleep but i'll catch up eventually. my grandmother was making noises allnight and then she put the tv on then she was snoring and yelling in her sleep so i got 0 sleep. so at 5 i got up and got washed and then woke her up at 6, then when seh finally went into the bathroom i got dressed and drank some tea and wrote a little of a story i have in my head. somehow we made it on time to the church for the baptisim. I really thought haily was gonna freak out on the preist it was kinda humerous. Then after mass we went and had some brunch then went back to my cousins got changed and hung out, then went out and played some baseball and laccross with my brother and anthony while hailey and alicia picked flowers. then we went to tuesdays and then came home... mind you by that time it was 8. so we didn't get home till 12 and i couldnt' sleep on the way home till my brother got to where he knew where he was going.
but anyway i got some good knews yesterday that kristina was allowed to go outpatient again so that brought such a releif i guess. I was glad she could go home. glad she could sleep in her own bed. I was a little saddend that i couldn't be at her house when she was there but i couldn't do anything about it so no big deal. maybe we can hang out tommarow. On another note i just squealed because i saw a twilight clip that mtv put out, and another fan cought video of them filiming another scene so whoo for that? I also missed my luna very much and she missed me we've been inseperable since i got home last night.

Open your eyes to the Dream

depressed

Update 07/02/08

Update

update plus kristina's birthday

x.x

blah

Rant, turn back now

And she now owns 3/4 of my soul

*pokes*

Holy Octopus Batman!

i don't know

update?

The dream~Prologue new story idea

and when you think days are looking brighter they get grayer

Fun and Money woes

today?

Le Miz!

update

update

Weekend

Luna's home

I don't know what I would do without my sister

Miserable

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pokes